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Christmas Who? (321SPONGEBOLT's version)
Act 1 Patchy Transcript Part 1 (After the Christmas version of the theme song ends, the screen slowly fades from black showing us the town of Encino, California from above at night.) French Narrator: And now, direct from Encino, America's favorite pirate and president of ze the "Spongebob Squarepants" fan club, (The exterior of Patchy's house is shown. The name "Patchy" appears.) PATCHY Patchy the Pirate. (The camera zooms in and fades to the inside, revealing is wrapping presents.) Patchy (to the tune of "Jingle Bells"): ♪Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, yo ho ho ho ho ho. Yo ho...♪ Patchy: (Notices he's on air and stops singing) Oh! Hi. I'm Patchy the Pirate, president of the Spongebob Squarepants fan club! (He notices a long piece of confetti on his hook and tries to shake it off. He pulls on it and whacks himself in the eye.) Ow! (He switches his patch over to the other eye) Hey, that's better! (Potty, a puppet bird on strings, flies in.) Potty: Squawk! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Patchy: That's right, Potty! It is Christmas. (He limps over to the fireplace) And there ain't nothing better in the seven seas than a Bikini Bottom Christmas. It sure is a magical time of year. (Blows on his pipe attached to his hook, and bubbles emerge.) Why, I'll bet old Spongebob is gearing up for Santa Claus right now! (He picks up a picture of SpongeBob. Cuts to SpongeBob, holding a remote) Spongebob: I sure am! (He presses a button on the remote. A large chimney rises from the ground next to his house, and a gigantic funnel pops out of it with the words "Welcome Santa" in neon letters) I'm ready! (Spongebob's still pose fades to the picture, now with Spongebob standingin that same pose.) Patchy: (Laughs) Not bad for a creature with no vertebrae. (He puts down Spongebob's picture) And I'm sure our pal Patrick is doing his share of the decorating. (He picks up a picture of Patrick. Cuts to Patrick standing by his house with a dopey smile on his face. The camera switches the a more open shot to reveal a single ornament hanging from the antenna on top of his rock. It snaps off and hits the ground, and Patrick does the same as well. Patrick's still pose fades to the picture, now with Patrick laying in that same pose.) Patchy (Off-screen): And who wouldn't? (The next shot reveals Patchy's eggbeater hook mixing cookie dough in his kitchen.) I too am also preparing for Christmas. Patchy (On-screen): (He lifts up the mixer) Hmm, unbaked cookie dough! (He takes a lick) Mmm... Potty: Squawk! Potty wants cookie dough! (Leaps off a perch and flies at Patchy's hook) (Potty squawks and Patchy ducks) Potty (While flying): Cookie! Patchy: Potty! (Ducks again) Patchy: Potty! No! (Potty flies back and forth) Potty: Cookie! (Squawks) Patchy: Get out of here! Potty: Cookie! Patchy: Potty! Potty: Bawk! Give us a lick. (In the next shot, we cookies shaped lick Spongebob and Patrick in front of the bowl of unbaked cookie dough.) Patchy: Back off, you flying freak! Potty: (Hovers to Patchy) Bawk. Clarify, please. Patchy: This here cookie dough is for the children. Not for pesky parrots! (The next shot has Hans' hand ringing a bell three times, then we cut back to Patchy looking out the window.) What's that? Three bells! Well, we all know what three bells means! Off-screen children voices: Free ice cream! Patchy (Laughing): No, you silly livers. Patchy (Suddenly angry): No! Potty: Squawk! Man overboard? (Patchy walks to his desk in the next shot and sits down) Patchy: (To Potty) You, I'm ignoring. (Turns to the camera smiling) No, it's time to open fan letters! Potty (While flying with an envelope in his mouth): Here you go. Patchy: Thank you, Potty. (Takes the letter, but he and Potty have a tug-o'-war over it.) Patchy (While struggling): Yeah. T-thank you, Potty. You're too kind. Um, yeah. Thank you, Potty. Um, o-okay, Potty. Thank you! Patchy (While angrily struggling): Come on, give it, ya birdbrain! (Potty Squawks) Quiet, infernal bird! (Cuts Potty's strings off with his hook) Potty: Bawk! (Drops to the floor) CLANK! Patchy: (Nods) Hmm. (Sits back down) This letter comes from... Johnny Elaine's voice dubbed over: Name and address withheld. Patchy: (Rips open the envelope and puts on his reading glasses) And he writes... "Dear Spongebob," (We see a closeup of the letter, with the child's name and address censored out.) Patchy (Off-screen): "I am ten years old, and I was wondering if you like Christmas as much as I do. Sincerely yours..." Johnny Elaine's voice dubbed over: Name and address withheld. (We cut back to Patchy taking off his reading glasses) Patchy: A very good question. But you know they didn't always celebrate Christmas in Bikini Bottom. Potty: Squawk. They didn't? Patchy: No sir, my fine feathered little neck pain. (He pulls down Potty from his strings.) Potty: Bawk! (Suddenly his puppeteer, falls to the ground.) Whoosh! Potty's Puppeteer: Whoa! (Drops in from the ceiling) Thud! (Patchy hangs a homemade SpongeBob ornament on a Christmas tree. Zooms out, showing the entire tree, which is decorated with many similar SpongeBob, as well as ornaments featuring Patrick and Squidward, and a few gift boxes) Patchy: There was a time when no one had even heard of Christmas in Bikini Bottom. (He snaps his fingers) Hey! Who wants to hear the story of Spongebob's very first Christmas? (We cut to Potty with sad bloodshot eyes) Potty (Sick): Squawk. Patchy: Potty? (He sees an empty bowl of cookie dough, accompanied by a foghorn noise. The next shot shows Potty's body all fat.) You ate all me cookie dough! (Shrugs) Oh well. On with the show! Potty (Sick): (His fat body snaps off, leaving his head hanging) Squ-ouch! (Screen Fades to black) OPENING TITLE CARD AND CREDITS Title Card music - Jingle Bells (Sage Guyton, Jeremy Wakefield) Rewrite by - 321SPONGEBOLT Featured Song - "The Very First Christmas" performed by the whole "Spongebob Squarepants" voice cast Act 1 Episode Transcript Part 1 (Bubbles rise revealing Sandy's treedome at sunset. The camera pulls back revealing Spongebob laughing all sneaky.) Act 1 Episode Transcript Part 2 ("The Very First Christmas") Spongebob and Patrick (While chopping to the rhythm of the music): ♪It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday. Not your normal average everyday.♪ Squidward (Mad): ♪Sounds like someone broke my old coral tree! (Sticks his head out the window) Spongebob, Patrick, why'd you do this to me?♪ (We cut to close-ups of Spongebob and Patrick holding hands and dancing around) Spongebob and Patrick (While Spinning): ♪The world feels like it's in loverly.♪ Squidward (Mad): ♪Go away before I harm you bodily! (Gets out a trash can and dumps garbage on Spongebob and Patrick as they sing)♪ Spongebob and Patrick (With trash piling on top of them): ♪This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me.♪ (The next shots have Spongebob with a shopping cart, followed by Patrick putting ornaments on his eyelids, then getting snow rained on him.) Spongebob and Patrick (Voice-over): ♪There'll be shopping, decorating, and plenty of snow.♪ Chorus: ♪Plenty of snow.♪ Spongebob: ♪Hey, Patrick, who's that under the mistletoe.♪ (We cut to Squidward under the mistletoe) Chorus: ♪The mistletoe.♪ Squidward (Embarrassed): ♪What? Who, me? Would you look at the time, I should go! (Runs out the door)♪ (After Squidward runs pass Mr. Krabs and Plankton, the camera stops following him.) Plankton: ♪People seem a little more brotherly.♪ Chorus: ♪More brotherly.♪ Mr. Krabs: ♪(Hands Plankton a fruitcake) Here's a special something to you from me.♪ Chorus: ♪To you from me.♪ (Disgusted, Plankton throws away the fruitcake, which lands in a trashcan full of them. Gary even slithers up to the rim of it.) Spongebob and Patrick (Voice-over): ♪Even all the trash on Christmas, it smells so sweetly.♪ Gary: Meow. (We see a Jellyfish captured in a jar as a way to light up the coral tree) Spongebob and Patrick (Voice-over): ♪This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me.♪ (We cut to Spongebob dancing with different Christmas backgrounds changing) Spongebob: ♪Ladadadadadadadada! Dadadadadadada!♪ (In the next shot, Squidward's door opens and Spongebob is still dancing.) ♪Ladadadadadadadada! Dadadadadadada!♪ Squidward (Mad): ♪What do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy?♪ Spongebob and Patrick (While dancing with candy canes): ♪Step outside, we've got something for you to see.♪ (Spongebob and Patrick toss their candy canes up during their dance, and while Spongebob catches his, Patrick swallows his whole. Then we see Squidward's house covered in Christmas decorations.) Squidward (Mad): ♪Spongebob, take this stuff down immediately!♪ Spongebob and Patrick (Voice-over): ♪Chestnuts roasting, burns in the third degree.♪ All (but Squidward): ♪Tonight things are as good as they seem to be!♪ (Patrick catapults himself up to the top of the tree by throwing a rock to the other side of the seesaw he's standing on) Patrick: ♪A star on top will complete all the scenery.♪ All (but Squidward): ♪This Christmas feels like...♪ (Mr. Krabs pops up from under the screen and sings in a falsetto voice) Mr. Krabs (Falsetto): ♪The very first Christmas to me!♪ (Mr. Krabs does his laugh as the camera flies over to Squidward's house. The next shot shows Squidward angrily watching everyone celebrate their holiday joy.) All (but Squidward) (Voice-over): ♪This Christmas feels like...♪ (Mr. Krabs pops up from under the screen once more) Mr. Krabs (Falsetto): ♪The very first Christmas to me! (Jumps back down)♪♪ (On the final note, Squidward pulls down his window blinds and the screen fades to black.) Act 1 Patchy Transcript Part 2 (We cut from the black screen to reveal Patchy getting antsy, hoping Squidward's wrong about what he said about Christmas.) Patchy (Anxious): Ooh, is Squidward wrong? Can there really be a Christmas under the sea? Stay tuned! Oooooooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! (Screen fades to black) Act 2 Patchy Transcript Part 1 (Screen fades from black revealing Patchy smiling) Patchy: Ahoy, children! It's about time you got back! Now I can finish me story! (Patchy holds up a cookie that looks like Spongebob, and the next camera shot shows his hand up close) Patchy (Off-screen): So, Spongebob was sending the last of the letters to Santa... (The screen fades to black) Act 2 Episode Transcript (Then the screen fades from black as the last bottle gets shot to the surface) Wobbles: I hope he can read Portuguese. Spongebob: Ahh, well that's the last letter. Wait! Squidward hasn't written his letter yet! (Upon realizing this, he runs into Squidward's house with a pencil, bottles, and paper in hands.) Squidward! Hurry! Squidward, Squidward! Hurry! (When Spongebob barges into Squidward's music room, his clarinet solo from "Bubblestand" is heard playing from a record player behind him. After the first few seconds of the music playing, Squidward takes the needle off the record to stop the music.) Squidward (Mad): SpongeBob, what are you doing? (The next shot reveals Spongebob at Squidward's desk wearing glasses and a green topless cap) SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. I'll help you get started. (Starts writing Santa's letter for Squidward with a feather) "Dear Santa Claus"... Squidward (Angry): SpongeBob, forget it. SpongeBob: Right, too formal. (Continues writing) "Hi Santa"... Squidward (Angry): SpongeBob, no. SpongeBob: "Howdy, Claus"? Act 2 Patchy Transcript Part 2 (Ending) (The screen fades from black showing a painting of the island. Patchy's head is shown under the camera, wearing a boat with Spongebob and Patrick toys on top.) Patchy (Off-screen, imitating Spongebob): Ahoy, Patrick! It's Christmas Island! Patchy (Off-screen, imitating Patrick): Presents, ahoy! Patchy (Off-screen, imitating Spongebob): Hooray! (Patchy starts making storm noises) Oh! A storm! Patchy (Off-screen, imitating Patrick): Yay! I mean, yikes! (Camera cuts out showing Patchy's whole body) Patchy: (Makes more sound effects and begins speaking in his own voice) Oh, we're going down! (He keeps making noises) Trim the sails! Hoist the yardarms! Turn on the Weather Channel! (Screams) Off-screen Cameraman: Hey, Patchy! Patchy: Oh, hi kids. Boy, that Spongebob makes me as jolly as a roger. Well, I hope you enjoyed Spongebob's Christmas tale. And I hope your Christmas is better than sunken treasure. (Takes off his boat hat, revealing a nest on him with Potty sitting on it.) Potty: Bawk! (Flies off Patchy's head) Patchy: (Takes a Yoshi egg off the nest on his head) Aw... Potty left me a little Christmas present. (Laughs and walks out of the shot) (Then the next shot reveals his hook tapping on the mistletoe) Arr, ye olde mistletoe. And you know what that means. (Sprays his mouth with breath spray) A time for somebody to kiss Patchy the Pirate! (Makes kissing noises) Come on, who's it gonna be? Come on! Kiss the captain! (Laughs until he screams as Potty flies over and squawks.) Potty (While flying): Give us a kiss! (The camera starts pulling away as Patchy runs around in circles trying to avoid Potty) Patchy (While running away from Potty): No! No, not you! (Potty keeps flying around squawking) No, not you Potty! Get out of here! No, Potty! I don't wanna kiss you! No, we talked about this. Potty! No! Potty (While flying): Kissy kissy! (We cut to outside of Patchy's house at the front door. The camera still zooms out.) French Narrator: Well, it looks like Patchy's pletty pretty busy at ze the moment, so I'll say it for him. Good night, and happy holidays. (The camera stops zooming out as "Happy Holidays" is written on screen as the instrumental for "We wish you a Merry Christmas" comes to an end. Then and the screen fades to black on the last note.) (The screen fades from black and the "Spongebob Squarepants" end credits play until the until the closing Nickelodeon logo is revealed on the last note.) THE END W.I.P. Category:321SPONGEBOLT Category:Transcripts Category:Fanon Works Category:Rewritten Versions of Episodes